Women’s 4s 5 - 2 Wayfarers 3s (A)
By Eleanor Trafford
In the beginning, when God announced the start of the 2026-2027 hockey season, the W4s were a formless void and darkness covered the evening training sessions on Pitch 2. Then, God/Bex said, "Let there be fizz," so Bing went away on holiday and the stand-in captain opened the champagne. And Bex saw that the fizz was good, so she spent all Friday evening printing out the team line-up and subs rota. And Bex said, "Let there be a spaceman and a fortress and a no entry sign in my AI-generated graphics." And it was so.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that Battersea All Weather Pitches must be in the worst location ever. However little known this is, this truth is proven by the fact that it is nowhere near a train station, as I discovered on my two-hour journey to the game. Still, my journey was far more economical than anyone who drove and had to pay the parking fare in nearby streets (despite Sian telling them it would be free!). No wonder Wayfarers' didn't have a willing goalkeeper.
It was a bright, muggy day and the clocks were striking 12 long before we started, as chaos ensued: it was a plait in the ponytail, it was not a plait in the ponytail; it was playing against 11 outfielders, it was playing against 10; it was on Pitch 1, it was on Pitch 2; we scored, then they scored; then we scored, then they scored. In the midst of it all, the captains were both called "Charlie", so they made friends until our Charlie started shouting at the umpires, VERY LOUDLY, at which point Wayfarers told her off for setting a bad example to our juniors, of which we have none, as she explained VERY LOUDLY, while she reminded the umpire that we were "HONEST."
In what turned out to be an eventful game, Freya had a (literal) head-to-head with someone, Rosina sent her boyfriend to the car to get her massage gun having pulled her quad whilst running rings around Wayfarers' defence, Carole bruised her hand (they say gloves can be useful), and Sian has spent all week ordering Balling accessories, in case anyone needs a shiny new kit bag.
Helen asked for "Goals, not cards" so we gave her both. Well, when I say 'we', Sian scored two goals, Rosina scored three and Bex provided the card, or should I say the umpire provided the card, Bex looking at him in disgust as he sent her off from the other end of the pitch. Luckily, despite Emily pushing the keeper so that one of Rosina's goals definitely went over the line, we were always in control of the game and scored five brilliant goals to Wayfarers' meagre two, negating any aforementioned poor umpiring decisions.
Our hat-trick hero, Rosina, was deservedly POM whilst there was some incident in the first half with the ground and a stick across the neck for DOD... As someone said, "Traff will fall in far more dramatic fashion in other weeks."
Thus, victory was completed: 5-2. Bex saw all that she had asked for, and it was very good. At the end of week one of the new season, we are sitting pretty in second place. So we beat on, with a home game against Wanderers next week, when we eagerly anticipate some new AI graphics: after all, tomorrow is another day.