Men’s 3s 4 - 3 Old Cranleighan 2s (A)

Hello and welcome to this rather long but hopefully funny match report on Halloween weekend. The one time of year when it's socially acceptable to dress like an absolute weapon, get horrendously drunk and scare the living daylights out of people. But this year, OCs got a fright they certainly weren't expecting: 16 Surbiton Men’s 3s turning up with sticks in hand and absolutely no intention of letting them enjoy their weekend.

In a seven-goal thriller, Surbiton came out on top with a hard-fought 4–3 victory, sending OCs home with nothing but disappointment, bruised egos (and a bruised head thank to the skipper), and probably a few questions about their defending.

It was a Halloween thriller, with more twists and turns than Dougy’s decision-making after two pints. Surbiton came out ready to cause problems, and cause problems we did. OCs thought they were in for a nice Saturday afternoon, but instead found themselves starring in their very own horror film.

The game itself was a proper battle. Goals, drama, questionable decisions and enough chaos to make the referee consider a career change. OCs managed to keep things interesting by scoring three themselves, but ultimately they couldn't handle the mighty Surbiton 3s, who showed the character, determination and occasional moments of actual hockey ability needed to get over the line.

Now onto the players.

Player of the Match: George. Somehow, George walked away with Man of the Match. We're not entirely sure how. There may have been a clerical error, a dodgy vote or some serious lobbying behind the scenes. But fair play George, your new shoes definitely helped. Apparently you were good enough to deserve it. We'll investigate further.

DOD: Chuba (me). A truly outstanding performance in the art of being an absolute liability which meant I earned the DOD award, which is quite an achievement considering the competition in this squad. A mistake so questionable that even OCs probably felt sorry for him. DOD was particularly difficult to write this week, mainly because the author was also the recipient. A clear conflict of interest, but unfortunately not enough evidence to overturn the decision.

Felix provided one of the afternoon’s more ambitious moments, launching an aerial into what can only be described as the great unknown. Goober, meanwhile, showed his class at the other end by away by ragging a drag flick home, before reminding everyone just how much of a unit he is. With a deflection heading straight for the top corner, Goober’s enormous frame got in the way, taking it flush on the shoulder and conceding a penalty flick in the process. A goal at one end, a human brick wall at the other. Peak Goober.

Onto Dougy and Mitch. Think that’s enough said. Both forgettable on their day.

Billy, meanwhile, spent most of the afternoon desperately searching for a stick block, before getting so engrossed in the rules that he appeared to be studying for his officiating GCSE. A man on a mission, just not necessarily the right one.   

Bag did bag and played well. And Philpo also deserves a shout out, putting in one excellent shift and another ‘better than last week’s performance but still not great,’ proving that, amongst all the chaos, there were actually a few people out there who knew what they were doing - solid performances from dodders and from Philpo, much to everyone’s surprise.

Hitchy was also in fine voice, making sure everyone knew he definitely should have picked the ball off his man, despite the fact he didn't. To make matters worse, he then proceeded to give away a short corner, leaving the rest of the boys to clean up his mess. Plenty of opinions, slightly less execution.

Thomas also deserves a mention for spending a solid ten minutes running around the middle of the park into absolutely nothing but flat sticks. Tireless work rate, questionable direction and an impressive ability to find opposition players wherever he went. GPS clearly wasn't working.

A special mention to skipper Aiden, who produced one of the more controversial moments of the afternoon. After attempting a rather ambitious behind-the-back flick, he somehow managed to send an opposition player on a one-way trip to A&E. His response? ‘You shouldn’t tackle there, mate.’ A bold statement from a man who had just committed what can only be described as a hockey crime. Leadership by example clearly wasn't on the agenda, and for once, even the most generous interpretation of events leaves Aiden firmly in the wrong. Believable on his day. Also blindly playing a ball down the line for Hitchy to run on to it even though Hitchy was at the top of the D, and then proceeding to call Hitchy old for not running onto it. It was a bad pass Aiden (please don’t drop me for this).

Youngsters Finn and Sam also deserve huge credit, putting in mature performances well beyond their years and showing the old boys how it's done. Matty, on the other hand, seemed to have missed that particular memo. A performance that suggested he may have left his hockey ability at home, although we're sure he’ll have a better day eventually. Probably.

The verdict: Three points in the bag, bragging rights secured and Halloween officially ruined for OCs. Four goals, three conceded to make Billy’s wish of seven goals come true, and absolutely no sympathy for the opposition.

Surbiton Men’s 3s march on. OCs can keep the pumpkins. We'll take the points.