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Women’s 7s 0 - 3 Jaguars (SHC derby)

Gameday: 28th September 2024

By Emma Dempsey

In a derby that had all the anticipation and excitement of… (okay I literally can't think of a polite way to finish that sentence), the Surbiton 7s clashed with the Jags, in what can only be described as a thrilling battle of wills (and questionable timekeeping). 

The first half was largely uneventful (at least from my vantage point in the car), save for some dogged tackling by both teams (apparently) and some slick passing and off the ball runs (allegedly), that (may or may not have) resembled a well-choreographed dance. 

The main highlight before half time was (apparently) a lovely goal, scored by Jamie and assisted by Taryn, meaning that heading into half time, the Jags led 1-0. While I can’t testify first hand to the veracity of these details, while stopped at the lights, I did have a quick glance at a game update text, which seemed to suggest something of this nature.

Then came the second half, marked by the dramatic arrival of the Jags’ final player. This heroic figure had made a slight (three hour) miscalculation on the start time. As she finally joined the fray, the Jags breathed a collective sigh of relief, grateful to avoid the punishment of being voted DoD and thus writing this report themselves.

Fortunately, aside from displaying some nifty ‘footwork’ that would make even Ronaldo wince, the latecomer had relatively little to do defensively, as the Jags continued to dominate the pitch. The 7s, however, weren’t going down without a fight: With confident distribution from midfield and some well-directed runs from the wingers, they demonstrated some attractive passages of play that had the countless fans applauding, or at least nodding appreciatively.

However, despite some particularly solid defending from Serena, the Jags' repeated bouts of pressure finally paid off, resulting in a second goal; this time scored by Pia (or possibly Taryn), and not long  afterwards a third, again scored by Jamie from a well-executed (yet completely unplanned!) short corner. 

At some point in this half, following a coordinated set of attacking moves, the 7s responded with a beautifully executed goal at the opposite end of the pitch, beautifully scored by… one of the players, as of course these things usually are.

(*In hindsight, this part may well have happened during the Sunday match, as Teamo reports the score as 3-0… Or I may have dreamt it. I attribute any loss of clarity on my part to the variety of airborne emanations wafting across the pitch from the nearby woods)

With red-faced midfielders now gasping for air and desperately asking how much longer was left, the umpire blew the final whistle, signaling the moment everyone had been waiting for: Teas O’Clock!! The match ended with a (possible) 3-1 victory for the Jags, but as always, the real triumph was undoubtedly the chicken goulash spectacular and the plentiful beers that followed.

POM - Lottie for excellent defensive play and attacking runs.

DOD - No idea as no official vote was taken (but the suspense is killing me!) 

T&Cs/Disclaimers: Please note that unlike 'Baby Reindeer', this report does not claim to be a true story, but is instead based (incredibly loosely) on a series of events, which may or may not have happened, with names possibly misspelled, omitted, or incorrectly reported to protect the writer’s identity and events misreported added or omitted. The author may or may not have been present for the majority of the match, no admissions are being made and no conclusions may be drawn. Finally, please note that the DOD vote has already been cast, do not attempt voting now as your vote will not be counted, but you may still be charged.