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Men’s 2s Stay Top with Epsom Win

29th November 2021

By Dave 'Beanhead' Bartram

Men’s 2s 4 – 1 Epsom 1s

POM: Rooney

DOD: Rhys & Beanhead

On what must have been the coldest day of the year (so far), Surbiton braved the Baltic blasts and rancid rain to approach an eager Epsom in a must win game (I date an English teacher, and so alliteration is always welcome in our household).

Prior to the game, everyone actually turned up on time (apart from Bartram and Bird who were with the ‘gaffer’), yet we were still waiting for two senior members of the group who managed to ensure, despite putting both their dogs in one car, they weren’t going to mate and ruin Winnie’s chances of a pure breed.

Jamma’s team talk inspired the lads and Surbiton 2s were ready to maintain our undefeated campaign at Sugden Road. The game started with Epsom smashing the ball into the bottom corner of the pitch. Now, in my time of playing, this means they are going to full press the left back??? No… they decided to half-court. An interesting tactical start to the game!

Surbiton controlled most of the first half, with a well worked run in and around the D, sublimely assisted by Scotty who passed to the Bean for a calm finish in the back of the net to make it 1-0. This was the breakthrough we were looking for!

Billy ‘The Poacher’ Winter bagged his fifth goal of the season doing exactly what he is known for: turning up to the game having had an awesome night in Oceana the night before (Pryzm for you youngsters) having posted a cheeky message on social media at 3am potentially signing (yet another mention for those hardcore readers) veteran, Max ‘Movember’ Anderson for the remainder of the half season. On a side note – Billy, you don’t get paid enough to become an agent as well as a coach at the club.

Anyway, that happened and we remained 2-0 up. James Evans quickly made it 3-0. The man doing what he does best, back to goal and ‘Hulk... smash!’.

Half time arrived and due to the weather, Surbiton looked very much like Man United at half time – running into the changing room, although ‘The Reds’ have never experienced such a half time cushion (let me apologise for that appalling reference Scotty).

The Gaffer was happy with the performance in the first half, we controlled the controllable and needed to make sure we took control of the umpires… cough cough, Rhys.

So the second half happened. We conceded one from a PC, and scored another via Bartram but the gossip everyone is looking out for is... how did Surbiton manage after a home ‘red’ card??

The umpires believed the following rule applied:

1a) Any Yellow + Any Yellow = Red (for the duration of the game only)

For those who follow the page and don’t know the actual rules please see the formula below:

1b) Yellow (from one offence) + Yellow (from a completely different offence to the first offence) = the same time off (5-10 depending on severity of each foul play)


1c) Yellow (from one offence) + Yellow (for a second offence of the same foul) = Technical Red Card

Surbiton unfortunately experienced rule 1a and so were left with ten men throughout the rest of the game (45 seconds) and managed to hold on for a 4-1 win.

So... the reason why I have to write this report is I have a boss named ‘The Bear’. On a weekly basis I do all of the Bear’s work. From time to time it would be nice not hearing that voice of the Bear telling me what to do. The Bear was very adamant that ‘The Bean’ sit back, and instead press Epsom’s right half (who was clearly positioned to receive a 60 yard aerial). The Bear severely grunted at ‘The Bean’ but in his rightful place, the Bean calmly used profanities to tell the Bear about his rightful place and what ‘The Gaffer’ wanted. The Bean got a telling off by the umpire and was left wondering whether his job was safe in the morning.

Truth be told, Schnu wasn’t playing (but was vociferous on the sideline after two days of FIFA flu) and so it came down to a three-way boat race between ‘Mr Red Card’, Dave ‘The Beanhead’ Bartram and MOM ‘I’ve finally saved a shot’ Rooney. Bartram lost and hope you’ve enjoyed the read!