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Cobras Strike Nine Past Cheam


2nd March 2020

By Jeremy Duffy

Cobras 9 – 1 Cheam M3

‘Zen and the art of hockey playing’

Like so many teams in the pursuit of greatness, the Cobras work tirelessly on their performance and internal culture – get this right and the results take care of themselves. So, following a functional win in Croydon last week, there was a detailed review of the performance by our tireless skipper to right some of the wrongs.

This had two outcomes:

1. The transformation of our skipper from red faced, ranting maniac in the midfield to zen master at one with the astro

2. The announcement of a new exciting style and formation by **** (the hockey player formerly known as James Hamper) in the pursuit of hockey nirvana

Having climbed Ditton Hill for enlightenment, **** explained that the theory was based on triangles and to find nirvana we must always have the ability to pass between earth, wind and fire. 

The relaunch of this hockey higher consciousness began at 4pm on Saturday. As storm Jorge had battered most of Surrey for the day, the sun came out to bear witness to this new exciting style. Just as well because not many other people did! Unfortunately warnings from Public Health England deterred all but our most diehard fans – Harry and Ollie’s dads we salute you!

As the match got underway it was clear that the players were enjoying this new altered state. The frontline worked hard to receive the ball and stretch the idea and concept of a defence. All this lead **** to consider the existential question: If you run past a defender and he doesn’t make a sound is he really there?

With strong support from Gregor and the young Buddha Ollie Neal on the right hand side, Cobras 2.0 was starting to look pretty slick from the sidelines. All of this positive energy was helping ****’s chi and creating room for the midfield to run into.

Queue the arrival of the Crouching Tiger, James King, who had a field day snaffling half chances and making decisive late runs into the D to create a hatful of opportunities. Unfortunately Grazing Rhino, Craig Schulz, and Hibernating Bear, Rich O’Connor were struggling with their personal raki at this time and proceeded to miss a boatload of sitters! So the Tiger took it on himself and bagged a first half hat trick inside 30 minutes. Time for a hard earned rest and so off the Tiger went. Whilst the hat trick hero was having a well-earned break, Cheam released their circus performer – the one armed left handed dribbler, who confounded and stunned half the team with his wizardry and somehow managed to score, upsetting ****’s flow. So the Tiger came back on to restore the yin and yang, and banged in another.

A first half of light must always be followed by a second half of shade – so we changed ends. The second half saw a tsunami of opportunities created as the Cobras poured forward like a relentless waterfall. Short corners were many, the goals flowed like nectar from the petals of the lotus flower. A beautiful lob finish from the young Buddha Ollie, and two goals from the confirmed non Buddhist Alex McKee (who got sent to the side to find inner peace), confirmed the Cobra’s higher state of consciousness in the art of hockey play. There was even a further goal scored, but such was the overwhelming tide of emotions from the game I can’t recall which ninja claimed this. We shall put it down to the positive forces of earth, wind, and fire…

Metaphysical force of the day (and POM) – Crouching Tiger JK!

Zen hockey is alive and well and living in Surbiton.