SHC Snails 7 - 1 Brom Becks WO45s (A)

There was no rain and no garden in sight, but a large ‘escargatoire’ of snails congregated at Langley Park School for their final league game of the season on Sunday. The sight of one pitchside portaloo was enough to get the team fired up, and so the first rebellion followed - gaining entry to a school building whilst an event was going on in order to access ‘normal toilets’. The escargatoire was challenged on entry, questioned by the school’s Designated Safeguarding Lead, but after Deborah’s announcement that “half of us are teachers anyway so it’s all fine”, she was happy to grant access.

With twelve regulars in the squad, one ‘returner’ and one terrified debutante, the team began their long, physical warm up (which was eventually cut a little short when the captain announced, “We better stop now or we won’t manage the game”). So, without the main attraction (etch-a-sketch board), the team was forced to focus on the ‘actual’ advice that the coach was imparting prior to the game. Thank goodness! (Although the etch-a-sketch board was stowed away carefully in the kit bag in case a little excitement was required at half time!)

The team was almost ready to start the game - well… after several trips to the portaloo for the all important ‘last minute wees of course.

So, on to the match itself… the headlines:

1) Goals were scored - lots, in fact! (well, not so many for the debutante who was clearly a ‘facilitator’ and not a ‘finisher’)

2) First goal scored one minute 40 seconds into the game.

3) Sublime passing from the escargatoire. This was aided by excellent communication (both upper and lower tentacles being used to detect chemical messages in the pheromones within their mucus trails - or it could have just been sweat, as it was quite sunny and hot?!)

Highlights:

An outstanding performance from Claire J, who must have covered nearly 10km during the game as she made superb overlapping runs down the outside of the pitch.

Fantastic work rate from Fee, although she may have been a little more conservative in the second half after she finally found the player sub rotations list at half time and realised her name was not on it!

Brilliant leads from Taryn, constantly offering for the ball in great areas - must have had her tentacles on high alert today!

Great commitment from Sinead as she worked so hard for the team that she was later seen hunched over with hands on knees gasping for breath.

Dancing our way off the astro to the beats of our team tune - ‘Disco Snails’.

Goalscorers - Val (2), Ruth (2), Taryn (2), Fee (1)

POM - jointly shared by ‘Captain Optimism’ and ‘Tentacled Taryn’

DOD - should have been Deborah as she had no idea which way the team were shooting in the second half! But she deviously planned to pin it on the frightened debutante for failing to score! (In defence, there was a bright pink giant in goal who seemed to grow even bigger when the debutante had the ball in the D). In Claire’s words - “are you allowed to be that tall?”

Final Notes

A brilliant display of team play resulting in a 7-1 win for the Snails.

All hail the Snails!