SHC Men’s O35s 5 - 3 Southgate MO35s (A)

Sunday afternoon and the Seals made their way onto land to face the Southgate Lions in their Savannah. A match up Attenborough might say was one sided, but boy do those flippers deliver an almighty slap.

There were early warning signs for the Pride when Philp and Beckett started their very casual warm up together. A symbiotic synergy that began in 2015 with masterminding an U12 national championship and would continue to blossom on the pitch.

However, the Rookery (name for a group of seals on land, apparently breeding....well I guess Bean's having another baby) didn't count on the Lions having a park ranger in green determined to prevent them from being poached and mounted on walls as trophies, or ground into Chinese medicine.

Somehow Lion (insert name here) scored the first goal from a messy corner routine. The Seals let out a resounding "arrp, arrp" (tried to figure out the onomatopoeia for the noise a seal makes) and the didn't let the early goal bring them down and came back with a similar reply from a corner.

From there most of the game seemed like a mirage to be honest, mesmerised by the silky flowing moves of capped England international all around legend David Beckett. To say that dreams are made every time I step on the pitch with him is an understatement. Watching him wind up to shoot from impossible angles fills me with inspiration and joy. Then watching him deliberately miss penalty flicks just to make others feel better about their own shortcomings just shows the humility and selflessness of such an icon of the game.

Anyway... we ended up creating some beautiful patterns of play that completely unlocked the Lions defence, opening up the paths to their vulnerable cubs. One of the alpha heavyweights of the group, fresh off his long soak in the healing waters last night, punished the Lions defence with a brutal flick

Up stepped the now salt and pepper whiskered, soon to be father of two Seal with a brilliant goal on the reverse. Whilst he might have also missed a sitter, in the end it didn't matter and he was getting in the positions to create a constant threat.

Briefly back to Dave THE Seal Beckett...the umpires knew what an integral member of the herd he is (another name for a group of seals. Apparently there's quite a few). How could they try and stop his rampant performance? Sending him off for absolutely nothing. All Seal Beckett said was "amazing" as he ran his hand through his glorious hair, turning the bald Park Ranger into a shade of envy to match his shirt. Little did the Ranger know, this would only inspire Seal Philp to play with the intensity of the fires of Hephaestus.

Just as the Seals were looking comfortable, the other Park Ranger realised the time... or didn't because neither seemed to know. He sprang into action, whistle and right arm at the ready to try and change the game and force a result. Short corners, contentious decisions and rushing 16s ensued and his hard work was swiftly rewarded when the Lions grabbed a goal back, the delight on his face impossible to conceal - "be selling some blubber to some Inuits on Ebay tonight" I definitely heard him mutter with glee.

But the Seals didn't falter. With one final body slam, Seal Doidge ruthlessly sent a flick past a goalkeeperless defence and their Mufasa at the back to "seal" the game, as confirmed by Seal Philp - "GAME OVER"

There were some fine performances all round, as the Seals found their flippering (footing):

• ⁠Ginger Seal at the back playing the full 70 mins, channelling his new found brain super powers combined with his wrecking balls into a dominant performance
• ⁠Seal Evans always bullish in the middle, never stopping, always living on the edge of destroying, appropriating clubbing seals into a seal past time.
• Seal Fulker with an outrageous high pick of an aerial coming across the pitch then swiftly searching for his inhaler
• Seal Watts always an outlet and linking up the play, showing the team how to score a penalty flick right in the corner

Seal of the Match: Scotty Evans - tireless performance as always. The spine of the team that we revolve around.

Walrus of the Match: Dave Bartram/Beckett - an unbelievable tie. Both great performances but far too much focus on a card and a missed flick for Beckett, when as analysed above was 1. Not his fault and 2. Done deliberately