SHC Sirens 3 - 0 Ashford (Middx) 3s (H)

Look, let’s be honest, lower league hockey on a Saturday afternoon is about as glamorous as a damp tea towel. You’ve got the biting wind trying to peel your eyebrows off, the manager trying to avoid the team sheet flying away, and the players are fuelled by nothing but a slightly too-sweet pre-match banana and sheer, unadulterated terror of letting the side down.

But that, my friends, is the theatre. And today, the Sirens put on a show – a sort of gritty, surprisingly effective show – clinching a 3-0 win against a very vocal, very determined rival.

First Half: A Masterclass in Not Freezing to Death

The first 35 minutes were played under conditions that can only be described as, “Winter is Coming, and it’s brought its aggressive, slightly damp cousin.” Seriously, the wind was an absolute joke.

Despite the Antarctic conditions and the sheer volume coming from the opposition - honestly, they were so loud, I think they single-handedly raised the regional decibel level - Surbiton were solid.

Goal 1: Breakthrough - Morven just put it away. Straight in. No fuss. No messing about. You love to see it. It was like she was saying, "Look, I’ve got cold hands, let’s wrap this up." Brilliant.

The engine room was ticking over nicely. Claire T, who clearly has a GPS tracker where her eyes should be, was just phenomenal with her passing. I’m talking laser-guided missiles, perfectly weighted, landing exactly where they needed to be. A genuine moment of class.

Goal 2: This was a team effort, the kind that coaches watch and nod sagely, pretending they planned it all along. Nao did the hard yards, hustling the ball up the right-hand side with pace and determination. And then, smack. Right into the goal. Two-nil. Half-time oranges never tasted so sweet (because they were forgotten).

Second Half: The Advice That Paid Off

The second half started, and Surbiton came out looking like they’d had a stern talking-to and maybe a strong coffee. I have to mention Morven again; she was absolutely everywhere in the D. I’m not sure she stopped running for 70 minutes. If you need a picture of controlled chaos, just get a photo of Morven’s heat map.

We nearly had an absolute scorcher from Cleo, who was weaving and jinking, but the keeper managed to palm it away. A beautiful effort, but not quite the finish.

But this is where the smart money pays off. We heard Anne-Lise with her sage advice from the sideline: "Take the rebound!" Look, in hockey, a rebound is basically a free gift wrapped in keeper despair. And Surbiton listened.

Goal 3: Cleo struck the ball hard - that initial shot was a rocket. The keeper did well to keep it out, but they couldn't hold on to it. And there was an amazing pass from Surge, who was absolutely not messing about. Nao pounced on that rebound like a hungry jackal on a discarded sandwich. 3-0! Game over, lights out.

A special shout out to Tessa, who, in a valiant effort to get a bit of extra sub time, took a ball straight to the face and broke her glasses. I mean, commitment! Or maybe just desperately cold and trying to engineer an early bath. Either way, fantastic dedication to the cause, Tessa. (Just kidding, obviously, but you do what you have to do in this league!)

A solid, professional, and slightly wind-battered performance. Three goals, a clean sheet, and three points. The Surbiton Ladies are looking sharp. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go defrost my fingers.

Final Score: Sirens 3 – 0 Ashford (Middx) 3s